Happy Birthday, Achtung Baby!

You are 18 years old today. Congratulations. You are all grown up now.

U2’s Achtung Baby was described as the sound of four men chopping down The Joshua Tree. I never thought of it this way. I think they dug it up, carefully transported it to Europe and then planted it anew, in a liberated Berlin, in a Catholic church in Ireland, in a club on the outskirts of Madchester.

I used to tell people that I wanted Tryin To Throw Your Arms Around The World to be played at my funeral. The song is about a stumbling drunk on his way home and maybe that was the appeal- we are all stumbling drunks on the road to a sobering somewhere. Achtung Baby speaks in universal bluster, which Bono delivers from a pulpit somewhere, which just may be a church or a club. One minute he is talking about love being the higher law and then he turns around and spikes your drink. Thanks, Bono.

The cover is a bustling urban masterpiece. Those window panes pulled aside the curtain into a world which I knew nothing. The tones are so distinct, blood red and Cold War blue. Buried in those panes are tiny Trabants, U2 bling rings, scenes of celebration, symbols of unification, and a fruit stand. Achtung Baby’s opener, Zoo Station, is thrilling. Let go of that steering wheel. Get on the subway with the masses. Smash your face against the glass and take a ride straight into the heart of Europe as the Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.

I had to have every possible permuation of this record- and that included paying the import price for a copy that removed the bold X covering Adam’s exposed penis from the back cover. I also paid $100 (in 1991 currency) for the three disc bootleg Salome (The Axtung Beibi Outtakes), which consisted of hours of improvised working tapes for the recording of Salome, Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses, and Where Did It All Go Wrong. It was pure wankery, but it was fantastic wankery and I listened to it like it was pure archaeological gold. To ensure 100% completeness, I also purchased all five American CD singles for Achtung Baby. I remember The Fly having a song named Alex Descends into Hell For a Bottle of Milk, which was a merely decent song blessed with a cool title.

So here we are Achtung Baby, fellow Scorpio, celebrating our birthday together in a launderette. While loading my towels into the washing machine, the old man next to me started singing Happy Birthday- to me, to you, I dunno. We were the only two people in the room and I had never spoken a word with the bloke before. I don’t think it was clairvoyance, I think it was just coincidence, to be honest. But I sensed a crazy wisdom about him, a man that could take you places by merely sitting still and moving his lips. I feel the same way about you, Achtung Baby.

Happy Birthday.

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